My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
