you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
