I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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