If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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