haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize