I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
