This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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