people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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