The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
