Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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