My liver just broke up with me...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
