I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
