Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
