I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Bring me that man meat
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
