you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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