Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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