I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My pussy is not your playground.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We left the knife in your bed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
