I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
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pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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