Ketchup is God's man juice
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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