The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
