My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ketchup is God's man juice
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.