My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.