my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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