Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
