i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
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I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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