I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
