It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
