just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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