I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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