Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
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