genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
