In the future we'll all be gay
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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