i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
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