Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
