like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize