I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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