Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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