So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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