it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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