the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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