I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I think a kid would responsible me up
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You left your phone here
Wait...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
