So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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