This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
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YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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