my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize
