i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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