Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
