this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
