You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
