Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
