We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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