i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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