ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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