Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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