I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
