Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
